I feel like I'm holding onto the handlebars with a death grip, my teeth gritted together and my heart pounding. The first hill is the scary part of the ride, it's when all the fears creep out. Up so high, you're about to go so fast, and this scary metal thing is about to whip you away and it's out of your control - you just have to go with it. It's the time when I always start wondering "Was this such a good idea?" "What was I thinking?" It's when I remember all the horror stories of rides gone bad, of fatalities and unexpected horrors happening. It's always then when I see the set of stairs at my side and want to lift up the shoulder bars, slip out of the coaster and just walk back down to safety. Except of course, I can't do that. I'm strapped in and it's too late to go back. It's too late to do anything but wait here, counting the seconds until the roller coaster decides to fall and push me through.
I feel like I'm holding my breath, knowing that at any time, I'll be sent through crazy loops, unexpected turns and more ups and downs than I feel like I can handle. It's not the speed I hate, the wind blowing my eyes dry, the gut jerking pushs left to right that cause whiplash, but the unexpectedness of it all. When will the roller coaster release? When will I be sent through that first loop, bash against that first turn, lose the ground beneath me on those hills and bumps? Why can't there be a little speaker by my head, saying "Okay, in 2.5 seconds you'll be sent at 120 mph down the hill and followed immediately by a turn that's going to make your head slam against your headrest, then sent through loop number one in 7 seconds." But I guess that would take away the point of doing anything at all, wouldn't it?
I feel like I'm on the scariest, biggest, record breaking roller coaster in the world and there's nothing I can do put go through with it. I feel tense, my breath catching with each strained groan that comes from the coaster, inching forward, getting ready. I feel like I should be able to calm my heartbeat, sit back and raise my hands in the air - if it's going to definitely happen, it'll happen whether I'm fearful or ready to experience this. Except, I never could ride a roller coaster with both hands in the air. I've always had to have one holding on, just in case.
I feel like this roller coaster can drop at any second, and I can't figure out if I'm excited or afraid or nervous. Every day I get a little closer, making me a little more tense and cautious and whenever I feel it, I'm reminded of how I feel on a roller coaster, at the top of that hill, just waiting to be released downwards. Because the waiting is definitely the hardest part - it's when there's plenty of time to think, to work myself up, to get nervous or anxious or anything else. Every time I feel eager to get this going and over with so I can feel that rush of good feeling at the end, I turn and make sure there's no other means of escape, and that I'm definitely latched in and forced to go through with this last part, because it's so very nerve wracking and full of what if's that don't seem like they'll ever go away until it's all over.
(I wrote this at like 2 AM on my little phone, still a bit annoyed that the best analogy I can come up with that fits so well is the cliched roller coaster, but oh well. Also, I found a tick on my sock today - since when do they invade so early? Oh wait, it's not May anymore...it's June now. Ahhhh!)
Side note: I may be doing nothing but gaining weight, but I'm happy to still say it's not touching my legs or arms! (however it does show quite a lot in my belly area - my bump is getting so huge!)
On another side note, I think my body is trying to kill me. For the last two days or so, I've been craving exercising (something that's VERY foreign to me!) I've been making Bill and Sophie go on long walks with me daily, but that's not enough. I feel like finally breaking out pregnancy exercising tapes and going at it!)
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