Okay, so I may have overpanicked just a little bit yesterday. I don't see those lines anymore, so I guess they weren't stretch marks, just an imprint from something. Phew!
Also, I can't make up my mind. I still want pregnancy to be over with now, and I want my baby here. I'm ready for that. But my courage for labor keeps faultering and I find, especially at night time, that I'm pretty terrified. Not sure why it hits me the worst at night, it's when I have everyone around me to jump into action - Bill is right in bed, I have my brother-in-law in the attic, and my mom a phone call away. But nighttime is the scariest, all the harsh pains make me panic and think that I don't want to do this anymore. I'm not even sure if it's the pain of labor that scares me as much as still feeling out of control about everything. I've planned everything I could, took every measure to keep my L&D in my own hands, but I still feel like anything can happen unexpectedly and that scares me. I'm finding it hard to mentally calm down and just 'go with the flow'. Not because I'm so set on my birth plan, but because I hate feeling so out of control on such a huge level. I'm dealing with me, my body and my baby's body and hoping they all work in sync with each other. I keep reading, trying to calm down because I know negative thoughts can actually regress labor and stop from dialation, and I feel like if I'm going through this much anxiety now, I know it'll be through the roof when I need it not to be. I keep trying to think, it has to happen sometime, might as well go with it and get it done now. But nighttime changes everything, and I'm pretty sure when things do start happening, it'll be in the middle of the night. It's when both baby and my body are the most active in readying for labor.
Bill seems to have caught the nesting bug. He asked me for lists of things to do, and to guide him in getting the house in the shape I want it to be in. Which is wonderful, except I wish he would have felt like this last week when I went crazy in most of the rooms to get them ready for baby. Now there's very little to be done, so I'm having him do things like set up pack n' plays, check everything's batteries, and help out with the laundry. So he and I together are getting the house ready for the baby to come.
Meanwhile, I am nesting in a very small area - inside of my hospital bags! Today, armed with a box of ziplock bags and a sharpie marker, I went into the nursery and took everything out of my three hospital bags. The small things already in ziplock bags got labeled, then sorted. I put the outfits I need (labor gowns, after birth outfit, going home outfit) together in their own bags and listed what was inside. I even put everything in order once everything had a label and was in at least one bag - all of the things I need for labor are right on the top. The things I need for afterwards are in the middle, and my going home things are on the bottom. I can't think of any way it could be more organized in there. I had everything organized before, but without being in bags I could just see Bill reaching in for something I asked and getting everything out of order and thrown apart and he wouldn't know what anything was or what went with what. So I made it simple and it at least gives me a little peace of mind to know that at least my bags are perfectly taken care of.
It's two days away from when I'm supposed to start trying to active labor. I'm excited and nervous, part of me wants it over with and part of me never wants it to come. I think all of me agrees though that it would be easier to prepare if I had sleep sometime in the last two weeks. I don't mind not getting sleep after labor, at least I won't be gearing up for a huge physical and mental event. But right now it would be really nice to feel rested when I wake up, and confident that I can tackle the day should something start at some point. Right now, I keep thinking "Well, hopefully not today, I'm too tired." That needs to stop!
also, NINE MORE DAYS UNTIL MY DUE DATE! I'm in the single digits now, whether I go early or not!
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