I had a list of things I really wanted to get done yesterday. None of them happened. Katie was SO cranky all day that all I did was walk her with singing and rocking in my arms. All day. When she slept, she'd only sleep if I was still walking or she'd wake and cry. And when I say cry, I mean scream. She was not happy! It was so hard, and I'm grateful I managed to make a good breakfast of eggs and bacon because that's all I ate until 11:30 PM. When Bill came home at a little after midnight, he saw I looked a bit like death so he took Katie while I tried to shovel a bit of food in, do her laundry and run to the bathroom. She didn't stay long for him, but I got enough done that when she started nursing again, I was able to doze off beside her.
But she didn't sleep too well last night, woke up very early and now I'm still exhausted. She seems every bit as cranky. I nursed her this morning and handed her off to Bill once she was in a good, deep sleep. I ran downstairs to get some dishes done while starting Shephard's Pie and hoping that just maybe I could make cookie dough so I could make cookies later. Before I could even make the instant mashed potatoes, Katie was awake and crying - and she wasn't happy that I wasn't the one holding her. So Bill and I passed her back and forth as we took turns cooking the meal. I had to skip finishing up the dishes, doing the laundry and making cookie dough because she just didn't want to be out of my arms. I can see that today is going to be very difficult again.
Thankfully though, Bill stopped at midnight last night at Walmart and grabbed me $12 worth of salvation and sanity - C batteries for Katie's baby swing. It's the only thing she'll sit in once in a while and I'm so happy to have it back. I only get about two minutes with her in it, but that's enough to run to the bathroom or down to the basement to switch loads of laundry.
I'm learning that I have to be careful of my facial expressions around Katie. She's so observant and focused on what I'm doing. She's constantly mimicking me - if I stick out my tongue, she'll stick out hers and smile. She mirrors all my expressions. But because she's able to register them now, when I look upset or frazzled she tends to cry. Just like when I'm playing with her, I have to be careful to not do anything too sudden or loud because she's so focused in that it'll startle and scare her. But it's so adorable that she does this. I enjoy it because if I'm smiling at her and acting happy, she usually does too (until she's sleepy or cranky, that is.) She also closely studies me when talking, and looks like she's trying to figure out how to do that too - she'll open and close her mouth while watching.
I love how trusting she is of me. She acts like she knows I wouldn't leave her - though I thought babies tend to think once you're out of eyesight, you've vanished. But she seems to always trust that I'm still right there, even when I'm actually not. If I have her in the swing or pack n' play and I walk away to go do something, she'll be ok for a few minutes. Then she's let out this "ehh?" sound, not a cry but more like she's calling me. She won't want to get up, it's more like she's just checking that I'm there. If i answer her, she'll go on laying there happy usually. If I don't, she'll cry. She'll usually do the "ehh?" noise a few times to check up on me. When she gets bored and wants to be picked up, she'll make a single, short "waah" to let me know she's done being there. It's not a cry, just a signal. She'll usually do this two or three times as a warning before she gets upset. It really seems like she trusts me to be there for her, so she doesn't feel the need to get upset or scared that I'm gone. She always thinks I'm right there. And she's right - if I hear these calls, I usually either call back to her saying it's okay, or I'll lean over her so she can see me and offer some smiles. It actually takes quite a bit for her to get upset and cry now. (This does not apply to cranky days though! Thankfully these days are pretty rare.)
I didn't realize it before then, but last night was the first night I was ever alone with Katie in the house. When I was in my second trimester of pregnancy, I hated being alone at night and would panic, but i got over that period. Last night it started to come back again and it was very unexpected. Didn't help that Katie kept hearing things downstairs and I had to have all the lights off to walk Katie to sleep. I ended up calling my mom so I didn't feel so vulnerable and alone. Hopefully this doesn't happen again though, since Bill is now on second shift full time.
Tomorrow is my doctor appointment. Definitely not looking forward to it. =/
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