I wrote this last night while hormones were really hitting me hard. But when I reviewed it, it still rung true.
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"What gender are you hoping for? Boy or girl?"
I'm starting to cringe at that question. I don't think I really understood until today why I don't like it as much as I do, but there was always a subconscious tug at my mind when I heard it. I saw the question again on a chat board, and the thoughts that have been hidden started to flow out, and now I understand myself a bit better. I want to find out the gender of my baby because I want to decorate the nursery and prepare myself. But I don't really want to find out yet. I have no real push or curiousity yet. I had no idea why, I figured by now I'd be going nuts not knowing, but it wasn't like that at all. Honestly, the way things are going, i wouldn't mind not knowing until birth. Now I understand why.
If I could choose, I'd have all boys. If it was in my power to decide the gender of all my children, I'd pick boys every time.
But I *want* girls. I already know how I'd decorate a litte girl's room. I know all the names I'd like to name them. I'd love to have my girls with long hair in pigtail braids (I have no ideas on anything for boys at all). But something in me feels horribly guilty for those thoughts. Not just guilty, but terrified on so many levels.
For years, I've always jokingly blamed my mother for passing down things of hers I didn't want genetically. Skin type, tilted uterus, breasts, and silly things. Every time I have an issue with my body, my mom usually says I get that from her, and then I say "gee, thanks mom. That's great - why did you have to give me that?"
I had ovarian cancer. No idea where it came from, but I had it. And I'm scared to death of passing that down to my daughter one day. I had to live through a tumor, cyst, surgeries, cancer, possible chemo, absolute terror, etc and I spent three months in hell from it. And that was because I got SO lucky. I never want to live through that second hand through my daughter. I don't want to think about what happens if she would get it and not be as extremely lucky as I had been. I'm fifteen weeks pregnant and I'm already terrified at the idea. I know that if I had a girl, I'd be living in terror from the moment she was born, which is why I want to find out the gender now - I think I'd need to prepare myself ahead of time.
I'm so torn on what to do. Since I had cancer, I always just said I'd get my daughters checked at an early age, like at 14 - 16 to make sure everything was normal and to put my mind at ease.
But I despise that idea, I really do. I don't want my daughter's first gyno appointment to be that young. I was 19 and I hated it. I still hate that it was the way it was. I don't want the first man that sees my daughter naked to be a stranger to her, a serious, cold doctor, or the first thing she knows is a cold metal, extremely painful probe breaking things inside her. I still hate that I had it like that. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I lost something from it that was important to me, something that belonged to me that shouldn't have been taken away like that. I'm fine going to the doctors now and letting them do everything a check up requires - now that I'm married, I'm comfortable with it. In fact, I think I could sleep through the appointments now. But I was so terrified at the time, and so uncomfortable and embarrssed. I hated it so much. I don't want my daughter to go through that.
Yet what alternative is there? To hold off getting checked so she doesn't have to go through it? I got my diagnosis at 19. To let her have sex early,to experience something fun before something like that? That would create more problems than solve. There seems like no good solutions at all and I hate it.
It seems like even if my daughter would never get ovarian cancer, she'll still have to go through a little bit of the same hell that I had to. And if she knows my backround, which she will have to, she'll be facing every doctor appointment in dread, just like I did for years, fearing what might be found. I don't want that for my child. I don't want any of my children to go through any part of that time in my life, let alone drawn out over years for them.
So yes, if I could choose a gender, I'd choose all boys so they wouldn't have to go through any of this. But I don't have that control, and I'm terrified of what the future may hold. I can't think of anything to help calm the unease, no ideas to make my daughter not go through any of these things.
Jill,
ReplyDeleteThere comes a time when you "as a mother" assess your own mortality through your children. Your fears will no longer be about "you" anymore or what could "happen to you", those will be nothing to you, your fear will only come for your own mortality with "how will it affect my children". For the rest of your life, that will be your "only question".
You are doing that now, starting to realize that everything you do, everything you are, everything you choose or don't choose affects not only yourself anymore, but also your child.
Sophia Loren said, “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.”
It is a growth process, these feelings you have are normal, you are starting to "become a mother", you are changing, you are now different and you will never be the same again. You will continue to change and evolve as your child grows within you. Like I told you so many times, by the time your child is born, you will not even recognize "who you used to be" before you were pregnant. After your child is born, you will change even more, it is the best part of mothering, becoming more...
“The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.” - Rajneesh
There is a reason that it is said " “Making the decision to have a child - It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."
Don't let fear rule your decisions or your choices for your child. There is ONE who loves your child even more then you, (no, not me silly), God. HE will see you through the mothering journey, you will grow closer to HIM in this process and you will learn to lay all your fears and burdens for your child at HIS feet. You can rely on HIM, to see you through, HE will never leave you or your baby. Don't fear, just TRUST HIM.
That is the other best part of mothering, how close you will grow in your walk with The Lord.
Perhaps, this is HIS way of telling you to seek HIM out, I always felt so good during my pregnancies to go to Mass, it washed me clean every week and made me feel renewed and full of such hope and promise.
Maybe this is HIS prompting for you to attend Mass again, there is no time better then when you are going through pregnancy and so very "touched" by God's Miraculous Blessings !
Oh, and one more quick thing while we are on the subject of Mass.
ReplyDeleteI give you this, it is my FAVORITE Mass Hymm when I was afraid during my pregnancies or had impending labor worries or even still today with raising children in general.
This Hymm eased all my fears, it gave me strength to conquer all worries and a gentle reminder that "I am never alone". I hummed it to myself constantly and chanted it in my heart.
It is my gift to you, today, on your 15th week of celebration !
I cry to this day, everytime I hear it sung at Mass.
Be Not Afraid
You shall cross the barren desert,
But you shall not die of thirst,
You shall wander far in safety,
Though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words to foreign men,
And they will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live.
Be not afraid, I go before you always
Come follow me, and I will give you rest.
If you pass through raging waters; in the sea,
You shall not drown.
If you walk amidst the burning flames, you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the power of hell, and death is at your side,
Know that I am with you through it all.
Be not afraid, I go before you always
Come follow me, and I will give you rest.
Blessed are your poor, for the Kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
For one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of Me,
Blessed, blessed are you!
Be not afraid, I go before you always
Come follow me, and I will give you rest.
- Hymn -